Even amidst painful memories life offers redemptive gifts

Sometimes I think we don't stop often enough to put the highs, lows and so-so's of our lives in perspective. (The top photo here shows my family of origin, including my sisters, and, in the other photo, oldest to youngest, right to left, Karin, Barbara and Mary. We are scattered now coast to coast -- Bay Area, K.C., Chicagoland, Cape Cod.)

Birthdays are a time to do that kind of reflecting, and I have one coming tomorrow -- one that ends in neither 0 nor 5. So just a birthday.

As I sort through memories, I'm both astonished at the blessings and yet still pained by some of what I've experienced. First, let's get a couple of the lows out of the way:

• My first marriage ended in divorce because of her unfaithfulness. The experience -- including sorting out how my own failures may have contributed to this catastrophe -- was among the most painful I've ever endured. But support from friends, family (including her side) and members of my church brought me through. In fact, as of this past fall, I've now been married to my current amazing bride a little longer than I was married the first time.
• Next, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, in which the son of my sister Barbara and her husband Jim, was murdered. Karleton, a remarkable young (31) man with whom I was very close, was a passenger on the first plane to strike the World Trade Center. I wrote about the trauma this caused in my extended family in my last book, Love, Loss and Endurance.
• * And, of course, the death of parents, grandparents, other family members, dear friends and coworkers. Some day I should count how many funerals I've been to, but I'm sure even I wouldn't believe it. I've also officiated at several funerals. It's a high honor but a deep responsibility. I prefer officiating at weddings, of which I've done several, even though I'm not ordained as clergy.

There is more, of course, and yet I must say that my life has been full of blessing after blessing, of wonderful people, remarkable experiences, enormous satisfactions and astonishing joy. Yes, a life full of joy but wildly unpredictable. I was born in Woodstock, Ill., northwest of Chicago, to two farm kids who found each other at the University of Illinois and wound up as the parents of four of us. From that start, how could I ever have imagined that:

* I would live for part of a year in the same house with actor Paul Newman?

* Or that one day Jimmy Carter and I would stand near each other in the same Georgia peanut field?

* Or that I would have my eleventh birthday in the United States, my twelfth in India and my thirteenth in Sweden?

* Or that one day I would swipe a Schlitz beer glass from the now-defunct Italian Village bar in Columbia, Mo., after having thrown up on the bar’s floor from having consumed too much beer even though I wasn’t legally old enough to drink? I still have the glass.

* Or that I would marry twice, each time to a woman named Marcia? (See a photo of us at the end of this post.)

* Or that I would serve for two years as president of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists? Or that I'd be part of a newspaper staff that would win a Pulitzer Prize? Or that I would score a hole-in-one on a course in upstate New York while playing with my then-father-in-law and using his clubs and a ball with his initials on it?

The surprises are simply endless, and the people I've met -- from several U.S. presidents to India's first prime minister, Jawaharlal Nehru (pictured here with my sister Mary and then-U.S. Ambassador to India Ellsworth Bunker), to baseball Hall of Famers, to almost nameless and certainly fameless people who taught me a lot and on and on as I've lived in the U.S. and traveled to more than 30 different countries, some because of my career as a journalist and some just because of family choices.

But no doubt highest on my list of blessings has been the gift of two daughters, (right to left Lisen and Kate in the picture here) -- remarkable women who make the world brighter and better every day. Add to that four stepchildren -- Chris, Dan, Kathryn and David -- each of whom has brought joy to our family. Chris, by the way, is a special-needs adult who is the very embodiment of love. He just wants to hug the whole world and, well, tell any woman he meets this: "You're so pretty." They inevitably understand it's not some annoying sexist comment.

And now add eight grandchildren (pictured here recently) -- a stunning collection of brains, beauty and love.

Friends, if I don't make it to my birthday next year, it will have been, nonetheless, a shockingly wonderful life even when the disasters are figured in. I deserved none of the joy. (But if and when I have a chance, I might ask God about the catastrophes.)

Over all this time I've found lovely people like you have been interested in reading my words in various venues -- primarily through a long career at The Kansas City Star, but also through other outlets, including my books. So thanks for your attentive presence, even when you castigate me for some perceived (and often real) fault.

Well, these words here today have mostly been about me. But I want to encourage you to take your own long-view look at your life and its highs and lows, its joys and sorrows. We simply can't avoid trouble in this wounded world (even Jesus told us that) and, sad to say, we will be the source of trouble for others, even when we try not to be.

Still, we can (and I think should) periodically set aside a little time for reflection about our journey -- not to become self-absorbed but to help us understand better where we went astray and what we got right. And then to say this both to our creator and to our fellow human beings: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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ANOTHER VOICE AGAINST CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

I also have spent a lot of time in my professional life making arguments against use of the death penalty. To add to that today, I am linking you to this Good Faith Media column by a counselor and pastor who has worked for decades inside prisons and also opposes capital punishment. In many ways his is much more the voice of experience than is mine. So I urge you to pay attention to what he says.

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P.S.: Speaking of India, as I was, briefly, above, my boyhood friend Markandey Katju, a former justice on India's Supreme Court, is in favor of the death penalty, while I am not -- as I've mentioned a time or two before. Just FYI, then, here is his latest column in which he seeks to justify using the death penalty. I still disagree.