Feb. 26-27, 2005, weekend
March 1, 2005

Feb. 28, 2005

Break time, folks. I’ve been serious here far too long.

So I share with you two clean religious jokes here today and one funny list sent to me, a Presbyterian, by a Jewish friend, with whom I’ve been discussing the serious subject of Jewish-Presbyterian relations, which overall aren’t very good right now because of Presbyterian plans to divest from some companies profiting from the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. His sending it was a reminder that there’s a place for humor even in hard talk.

I don’t know who Jake Novak is, whose name is attached to the Presbyterian list, but if that’s someone’s real name and he really wrote these, he knows a little (but maybe not everything) about us Presbyterians.

I also don’t know who wrote the first two jokes. But so what? Just enjoy.

The Baptist Dog:

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. “Fetch the Bible,” he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

“Now find Psalm 23,” he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.

The visitors were very impressed.

One man asked, “Can he do regular dog tricks, too?”

“I haven't tried yet,” the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog.

“HEEL!” the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!”

The Lucky Nun:

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don't despair. Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What's this?” she asked. “That's the $8,000 you have coming, Sister,” he replied. “Don't Despair paid 80-to-1.”

Presbyterian-Jewish relations, Take 10:

Top 10 Ways Jews Can Retaliate Against Presbyterian Divestment in Israel
by Jake Novak

10) Begin counter-boycott of Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise and Wonder Bread
9) Stop supporting all the Presbyterian comedians . . . oh wait, there aren't any!
8) Wear white shoes after Labor Day
7) Stop serving watercress sandwiches at Shabbat Kiddush
6) Replace Muzak in Jewish doctor's offices with Klezmer CDs
5) Secretly replace all references to John Calvin in Presbyterian doctrine with “Calvin Klein”
4) Initiate hostile takeover of L.L. Bean
3) Crash the next party at the country club
2) Water down the booze in junior's sippy cup
1) Let them do their own damn taxes!

See my "About" page to find out how to read online what I've written for The Kansas City Star.

Comments

Doug Worgul

Bill,

My sister posted this yesterday on her blog:

Our former pastor was a wonderful man, full of vision and enthusiasm for our church and for God's kingdom. He was also somewhat dyslexic.

One Easter Sunday several years ago, my oldest daughter passed the bulletin to me with an item circled. I could tell that she was barely able to contain her laughter. After reading the item, I nearly snorted.

Pastor Jeff had typed his own paraphrase of 2 Corinthians 5:17, with an unintentional twist: "If a man becomes a Christina, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come!"

Indeed.

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