A mid-summer laugh break: 7-15-09

It's summer humor break time. I do occasional laugh postings just to make sure you all don't run amok in seriousness. So slow down today and have a bit of fun.

1. Upon entering the confessional, a young women spilled the beans, admitting: "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me -- seven times."

The priest thought long and hard, then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass, then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe the smile off your face."

2. The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

3. From Guardian columnist Emo Phillips:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

4. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

* * *

FIGHTING OVER GOD IN COURT

Here comes another church-state lawsuit. I'm thinking that the "In God We Trust" folks can't be very worried in the long run about this. Right? Otherwise they'd be denying the statement.

* * *

NOTE: Until July 21, my Internet access may be sporadic, which means it may take hours and hours for me to publish your comments. Thanks for your patience. Bill.

Comments

[Goldstein Squad Member]

Hilarious, Bill. Tell jokes like that more often...especially three and four and people will realize that you really are as much a bigot as any atheist on this board. And there are some humdingers!

Especially if you really think those are funny.

Now, if people started to realize that, and whose side you were on, that WOULD be funny! LOL!

[Goldstein Squad Member]

*****YOUR NEW ATHEIST QUOTE FOR THE DAY*****

On Jews:

"American atheists far outnumber religious JEWS, yet the JEWISH LOBBY is NOTORIOUSLY one of the most formidably influential in Washington."

Richard Dawkins, in TGD, page 65.

This quote is worthy of any anti semitic Conspiracy Theorist.

[Dolores Lear]

Bill referral:
"Lawsuit seeks to block 'In God We Trust' engraving"
By RYAN J. FOLEY.
"In God We Trust" has been the national motto since 1956 and has appeared on U.S. currency since 1957.

Me:
Just as this may be added to Government, "by the people and for the people", the majority of Christians in Government added all their Religious Prayers, Rites, and Holidays.

The USA, a Government free from a State Catholic Religion, had a Federal and States Christian Religion added by laws in Congress.

Citizens of other religions had to observe Christian teachings in their daily lives if involved in Government, when gathered in Government and School events.

Lately the School Events have discarded Christian Prayer, but Federal and State Governments, still has Christian Prayer, and Christian Holidays.

Russia and China are two former religious Governments, that have changed to Equality for All Citizens, by not recognizing any Religion in Government.

It took conflict many years. But Citizens still have the Freedom to practice their Religious preference in their homes in both countries. No Religion has State preference.

So now Religious Citizens in the USA, call Russia and China Governments Atheistic, which is what the USA Government's Constitution States, No State Government Religion.

Christians added God to Government. And keep adding the Generic God to Rites, and Holidays.

How can Christians accept a Generic God for Government, since "In Jesus' Name, Amen", was taken out of Federal and State Government Prayer?

Religious Citizens can Pray for their Government, etc., at home and Church.

In a Country with Freedom for All Religions, the Government should have Equality and Freedom from a Federal and State Religion, for all Religious and Atheist Citizens.

If the Majority in the USA changes to Muslim, how will Christians react if Muslim becomes the Federal and State Religion?

[memberofKCFreeThinkers.org]

Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."

Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"

--Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

--A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

It’s fairly plain all this god stuff was added to our country. It was never the original intent of our forefathers. Lets all grow up and stand on our own without make believe.

Peace For the Sake of Goodness Cole

[memberofKCFreeThinkers.org]

Believing in only one thing, especially god, you stop believing in the real world the way it is. That’s a problem.

If you believe in god and miracles through prayer then contact the media and tell them god, saints, angels are talking to you and see what happens.

See what sales.

I would like to see all major religions taught in school. All schools, all grades thru college, in our secular country, and allow kids to form their own opinion. Are you afraid of this? If jesus is the answer he will win. But in the majority of the world they don’t believe this. Unless of course Xs give food and supplies in the name of jesus to people who don’t know what they are talking about or don’t care as long as they get food and supplies.

I rarely hear from you Xs on this. Maybe this is because Christ is not the only answer. Maybe people can do good things because it is the right thing to do.

Unlike so many people on this site I give my name. I see people who don’t, people who have something to hide.

But of course I will hear back things like: they are afraid of me. I have given my personal email, yet I don not hear back from you. Chicken is just another way to say poultry. Do you know chicken wire has been changed to poultry netting. We wouldn’t want to insult turkeys and such. They may not vote the way we would like them to. Life is so much fun! At times we can be so petty.
Continued

[memberofKCFreeThinkers.org]

Continued: Let’s refurbish our sacred buildings and meanwhile allow kids on the side of dirt roads in undeveloped countries starve to the point their stomachs literally explode! But lets save the appearance of our churches. Because these are sacred.

The Methodist bishops are giving up 4% of their salary - $120,000 plus annual salaries – please, tell your story to somebody who cares.

If we truly care, will things be different? Maybe it is not our nature. Maybe we just don’t care…

Lets all give some more money to the KC World War I monument and see if it helps the world. It’s just a thought.

People here make fun of me saying peace for the sake of goodness.

John Lennon had more morals than most I see here. At least he was trying to stop a war and the killing of innocent people.

Some times I think I will, then I think I won’t. I change my mind a lot. But so much of the world keep on worshipping things.

When you are repainting your room because you want another color or chose between seafood shipped in or a special tender steak with all the trimmings take a look at this:

http://thetheologianscafe.xanga.com/photos/cb8fd221560232/

Kenya concern over pill popping
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8145418.stm

Peace For the Sake of Goodness Cole

[memberofKCFreeThinkers.org]

Cole, when the time came for medical treatment for my mom...the doctors abandoned her to die. She left it in God's hands, prayed, and was cured.
I don't care if you believe it. because your atheism is something that you will profess NO MATTER WHAT PROOF WERE OFFERED. I repeat...no MATTER WHAT PROOF WERE OFFERED your presuppositons would allow you to reject it.
Go ahead, PROVE ME WRONG...give an example of something that in principle, if not in practice, could convince you that you were wrong.
By the way folks, that stuff about people leaving the restaurant is PARTLY TRUE...but it was not because they were atheists. It was because they were acting like jerks and the owner was letting them insult people for laughs.
Posted by: adamh | July 14, 2009 at 09:29 PM

You have no proof of anything. Atheism has nothing to do with the natural world. It is, what it is, and we have to learn to adapt. I am sorry you are so angry. Perhaps some day you will learn to trust people. I am glad your mother lived.

I don’t have a clue to what you are talking about the restaurant.

Maybe you should seek some professional help or at least anger management classes. I mean this Adam. I am not making fun of this with you. You twist so many things around it is not healthy. We all get to give our opinions here and you are becoming irrational. Lighten up and have some fun.

Peace For the Sake of Goodness Cole

[Dolores Lear]

Lynne and adamh.

I posted my comments for you last night at 7:12PM.

I do not know a fun joke, but I received this fun e-mail.

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
-------
I also tell family or friends without computers how to do this. It gets a good laugh.

[KCFreeThinkers.org]

Re:
Saints & Sinners Both Find Moral Balance
http://www.livescience.com/culture/090706-saintly-sinners.html

I found this article rather intriquing ... It blends together "congintive dissonance" of psychological/religious belief with hard core scientific studies. Science and "rationality" can argue on "rational" terms which escape religious fundamentalists. Try to argue "science of morality" with a fundie Christian on these terms. What do they have besides "magic dust", "sorcery", "spells by prayer" and "god didit?" - not sure if there is too much to talk about with someone like this. This would explain why "prince of peace" Jesus was an A-Hole some of the time and also gave contradictory statements - I came in not in peace but to divide families and by the way I got a sword. Abandon your family and follow me. With all the "secular" things that "Jeffersonian Bible" attributed to Jesus it "watered him down" to the point of "being bland yiest rising to bread" - and this is perhpas "the secular" Jesus that we should eat a pieace of and drink blood of?

He was going mad at the temple and overturning money changers tables while carrying and swagging a whip (Roman instrument of very painful torture), be a jerk to his parents, then be a jerk to people of other "nations", "sinners", destorying property (driving a herd of pigs into sea), "denigrating" and "disrespecting" Jews, speaking in riddles/tongues and some non sensical parables, etc. - in short, Jesus was human making normal "psychological" decisions based on "moral relativism".

Now this is all just getting all too clear and pieces of psychological profile of Jesus as human can be put together. E.g. David Koresh claimed to be Jesus - this study can explain it and how he was "savior" to his Christian "cult" while to the rest of us he was "evil" morally relativisitically speaking. Sure within the subculture of his "cult" he also did bad things to his flock (virtual dictator, sex with many women and young girls) but also commanded "unconditional love" and may I say "sincere" love from his followers?

Draw the same parallels with today's Christianity and all the so called "leaders" of the Xian movement - you can always find stuff that they have done bad. We all have. Nobobdy has not - everybody "sinned" - even Jesus by today's standards of "relative" morality and by the times of his as well.

[Dolores Lear]

Cole:
"--Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the..."

Me:
I know this was for a fun joke.
But, Was the sun created before Earth and the Universe in Genesis? What is the general consensus?

Genesis 1:1,6. KJV. "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. - And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters"

This explained the water around the Planet was changed to water above the firmament/atmosphere, and the water on the land area as Seas on Day 2.

On Day 4:
Genesis 1:16,17,19. "And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon
the earth. - And the evening and the morning were the fourth day."

These verses of a Planet null and void of Life, with a watery, soupy, atmosphere like Venus, and the steps for Days 1-7, are the Process of Colonization of a Planet void of Life, not the Creation of the Universe of Galaxies and Solar Systems.

Life did not Evolve on Earth. The God/Us, that created Humans in their Image, and the Female from the Male Rib, were our High Tech Peace Clone Human Ancestors from Space, that Colonized Earth 'in the beginning'.

And, Reproduced Purebred Genetic and Physical Perfect Male and Female Human Clones, in a High Tech Lab in the Garden of Eden. The Human Clones started Reproducing Children by Body Birth, the Original Human Sin.

This High Tech Information has been translated and handed down through Human Generation Birth, Death, and Rebirth, as Supernatural in Scripture and Myth.

Life could have Evolved in Space up to High Tech Science Human Peace Clones, that Colonized Earth, but Life did not Evolve on our Home Planet Earth.

[Goldstein Squad Member]

Hey Cole, I will go to anger management classes when I see Igor's graduation certificate from the same! BAhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Who ya kiddin, sport?

You are so angry at religion, you can taste it! Take your OWN ADVICE, get some help. Trolling religious blogs like you do is self destructive.

By the way, James Christensen has posted here before, and even given his phone number. Which one of you brave oh so honest atheists have done the same?

P.S.; Your proposals about teaching religions in schools is UNCONSTITUTIONAL...it is just as illegal to DENIGRATE religion in schools as it is to PROMOTE it.

Don't believe me? Try it.

[Goldstein Squad Member]

By the way, Cole, what do you mean you don't know anything about the restaurant episode? Although you weren't there, you buddy Iggy brags about it in his last post yesterday.

The atheists were acting like jerks, and people left. It wasn't because they were atheistsm, but because they were loud and insulting.

So KMA.

[Susan]

Dolores, ever since you sent me that "How Smart Is Your Right Foot?"-thing a while back, my 9yo keeps periodically trying to do it. Aren't our bodies amazing?

adamh, you think anyone is a bigot who thinks jokes 3 and 4 are funny? How so? 3 was about the tendency of some of our fellow-Christians to think anyone who believes a little differently is a "heretic." It's not specifically about Baptists.

And 4 -- I agree that it's not very funny for the girl in question, who obviously didn't have a mom she could confide in. But at least she's been enjoying some romance -- though maybe not as much as the young lady who has to drink the sour lemonade to stop smiling. But then -- these people don't really exist, do they?

Bill, I'd had no idea the pledge had been changed, and the "In God We Trust" motto had been added, so recently. I really really think we need to just stick with E. Pluribus Unum (from many, one) which Lynne said was the original idea.

But still, I'm not in favor of spending a bunch of money to inscribe that on anything right now, either. There are too many people out of work for us to be paying for engravings.

[Susan]

adamh, how is teaching about all the religions of the world a denigration of religion?

I'll admit that when I was in high school, I did kind of see it that way. I took a "Bible as Literature" course and felt offended that we were just reading and discussing the Bible as a book, and not as the inspired Word of God.

I was also worried that I might succumb to Bad Ideas, because I'd enrolled in a Psychology course before I knew that one of my youth leaders didn't advise people taking psychology. I can't remember exactly why -- something about getting all kinds of psychological explanations for why we do the things we do, and forgetting about God.

I'm not sure if your reasons for not wanting religion studied academically, has to do with the same kind of fear I was raised in -- a fear that you could learn "too much" and somehow "ruin" yourself or your faith "the magic" or something (a fear Daniel C. Dennett addresses in "Breaking the Spell").

As a social work major in college, I even opted out of taking the advised course in Human Sexuality, because of a friend's warning that studying sex in such a clinical way might ruin my enjoyment of sex in marriage. She'd taken the course and was trying really hard to forget about it before her marriage.

But why do we have to be under a spell, to love God or enjoy sex with our spouses?

[Goldstein Squad Member]

Susan, I don't think that just teaching about all the religions of the world is denigration of religion.

I think denigrating religion is Unconstitutional.

DANIEL DENNET, by the way, presents his own ONE WAY STREET OF CENSORSHIP:

http://atheismisdead.blogspot.com/2009/06/daniel-dennetts-one-way-street-of.html

[Red Biddy]

Bill, you said the "...in God we Trust folks" can't be very worried in the long run about this.i.e. another church state lawsuit.
I'm sure they are not, anymore than the 9/11 highjackers were that "Trust in Allah" would give them a straight route to Paradise !
It's a completely meaningless phrase as is adding "one nation under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance. Which version of "God" are we talking about ???
Your Emo Phillips joke makes this point beautifully !

Dolores,
You asked "Was the sun created before the Earth and the Universe in Genesis ?

You really don't like the opening chapter of Genesis do you, as you always ignore v 2 Genesis ! God said Let there be light ! but didn't create the means of that light until verse 16 ! Also god made the stars (suns) before he made "our" Sun. That's pretty close to the "truth."

I think I have pointed this out to you before. There are (at least) two different stories of creation in the book of Genesis and the oldest is the second version. The first story, first chapter chapter is the "newest."

You've really got to watch that program on the inner earth, Discovery channel, and you will learn that this planet of ours is a chip off the sun. The inside of this planet is even hotter than the Sun.

So in answer to your question, the Sun came before the earth but it wasn't (probably) the first Sun to be present in the Universe.

[Susan]

adamh, it did concern me to read the views of Dennett in that blog post you linked to. I guess what I'm needing to understand better, is whether Dennett is expressing his views as sort of an admonition to parents -- or if he's advocating an increase in governmental involvement in family life.

My concerns about this are similar to my concerns about what's happening as the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child is getting implemented in Great Britain. Dennett expresses concern that some hold the view that life is sacred -- but once that life is born, parents have the right to raise their children any way they see fit short of torture.

Now, if Dennett is just expressing his view that it's better to allow children room to evaluate and make their own spiritual choices, I share that view. Of course my children are influenced by my opinions -- but I don't believe in sitting them down and making them accept instruction about religion or ANYTHING.

However, if Dennett is actually advocating some sort of government involvement to "make sure" that all children are free to choose their own religion, I just see this as detrimental to freedom in many ways. Some will say, "No, we just want all children to get a good overview of world religions in school" -- but then, what about children who are homeschooled?

Here I am, agreeing with secular liberals about children's rights not to be hit or coerced. And yet, I think I differ with many of them in that I don't believe in coercion in the EDUCATIONAL realm, either (and coercion is not just physical force, it can also involve witholding things a child enjoys 'til he finishes his schoolwork, etcetera).(Continued)

[Susan]

(Continued) I think my view of children (as trustworthy beings who WANT to learn and become competent adults) is really the natural extension of an evolutionary world view -- but I still do encounter some evolutionists who don't believe in trusting children to this extent.

I.e., I think there are some Atheists/Agnostics who wouldn't dream of indoctrinating children in a relgion -- but who nevertheless think it's very irresponsible to let children direct their own educations. So there's the rub.

When Dennet expresses concern over parents having the "right" to raise children however they choose, he seems to be saying we DON'T have the right to choose anything that varies too far from mainstream secular views. I.e. since most people see child-directed learning as neglectful, and neglect of course is a form of abuse, then allowing children what the majority perceives as "too much" educational freedom can get classed in the abuse category, too.

So then these people who want so badly for children to have a voice -- may end up "cracking down on" parents who REALLY believe in letting their children have a voice. I know nobody seemed inclined to comment when I brought this up the other day (in conjunction with what's happening with homeschooling in Britain). But I would really love to hear from some of you guys on this, especially those of you who support the Convention getting ratified here in the U.S.